A post I wrote on New Years and never posted.

I know this is kind of random. But I wrote this post as a continuation of my "Old Year Reflections" post and with how I'm feeling today, it just works. I'll explain tomorrow.
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But never trying is not just lying to myself. What is that teaching my kids? Do I want my kids to continuously settle for less than what they truly want in life, just because it's hard and there might be failures? I think I've been hurt so much by the no's in my life that I let it hold me back from all the new things I want to try, so sure I'll fail again and everyone will see.

About a year and a half ago, I joined the choir at our church. We hadn't been there more than a few months at the time, and I was so excited. I have ALWAYS loved singing and it was such a passion of mine in high school (we were Glee before Glee was cool) (though the green and silver sequined outfits didn't help.) So when I joined the choir, I really put myself out on a limb and tried out for a solo. I wanted it so bad, and practiced constantly. I really felt I could do a great job and that my voice was a perfect fit for the song.

Now one thing I should admit is that while I think I sing okay and really let it all out when I'm at home, my voice gets ridiculously shaky and I sweat when I sing {by myself} in front of anyone. As long as I've been singing in choirs, that one thing has never changed. So I'll give the choir director a break and let you see where he was coming from.

But when I tried out for that solo, with about 7 or 8 women around me, I really felt I did a good job.

But I'm sure you can guess what happened next, and I didn't get the solo. And I tried to be okay with it. I never even told Tom how disappointed I was. But deep down inside I was that girl in high school that loved singing so much, but was in front of the choir director that never seemed to want to give her a chance. I felt like such a failure. {and yes, I see the irony of joining a church choir yet being sad over the failure of self.}

And it hurt. I no longer wanted to join the choir at church, or even really put it out there and audition for the church Christmas musical. Failure hurts way more than seeing a longing unfulfilled.



...right?

Hmm.

Can I really be happy belting it out in the car (my poor kids) or in the shower, when I know I have this passion to sing and I know it's God that put it there? Who am I really failing when I squelch that God-given desire? If I am truly doing it for Him and giving Him the glory {instead of living like "hey, look what I can do!"}, can't I trust that He will give me the platform? And I guess the guts? ;) Because nothing is more awkward than that girl up on stage with the shaky voice that can't make eye contact. We all know that girl.

I can see why so many women live their early adult lives for their children and families, then realize as they get older that they have sold themselves so short and they want that chance before it's too late. Isn't that why X Factor doesn't have an age limit? haha!

More tomorrow...

Eeeeek!!

Do you know what I have in front of me???!

My registration receipt for the Disneyland Half Marathon in September!!! Ack I'm so excited!

And scared.

But mostly excited!!

I've never done anything like this before. Well, except for a 5K a few years ago. But 3.1 miles is a lot different than 13.1 miles. I know I can do this! And this wonderful 8.5 x 11" piece of paper in front of me is the motivation I need to get my booty in gear!

Where a kid can be a kid.

The kids each recently had a friend spend the night so we took them all to the movies to see The Muppets (have I mentioned I have a newfound love for Beaker?) Well in the way home the kids were playing some sort of guessing game, and one of them was saying the others had to guess the name of something that stars with FF. So Tom and I were being smart alecks and guessing things like "Fresh and Feasy."

Without thinking, I said Chuck E. Cheese.

But with F's.

I only got the first word out (the worst part) before slapping my hand over my mouth and shrieking in horror.

Thank goodness nobody ever listens to me and the kids didn't hear a thing!

old year reflections

This year has been... gosh it's been a lot. The four of us were all reflecting over dinner last night how far God has brought us in the past 12 months, and we were just in awe over how much has happened. If someone had told us December 31, 2010 all the things that would culminate in the next 52 weeks, I know we would have laughed!

I want so much from the new year. I finally want one year to be the one that miraculously brings me all the skills I've been craving so deeply; that brings the extra hours in each day to accomplish all the things running through my mind at any given moment. I want one of these years to be the one I can credit with finally getting it all together and being the Mom I know God wants me to be; to finally be in shape and be that muscular, toned mom that isn't still carrying around 20lbs from her last baby (um, 7 years ago).

But it hits me that all of these things take work. I could have a million new, fresh years but the only thing that is going to bring about the changes I want to see in my life is good ol' effort.

I can complain about not knowing how to sew all I want, but as long as the sewing machine is boxed up in the garage, nothing will change. I can look in the mirror and want to cry at all the new dimples (oh, the dimples!) and rolls, but as long as I'm eating Hershey's kisses for breakfast {hypothetically of course} I am going to go out on a limb here and say those dimples ain't going anywhere. And my goodness, I can pray and pray about being a better mommy every single day of my life (and I do), but if I'm not willing to put into action those thousands of things I swear every night I'll change, it's all just intentions.

I had a totally different direction I wanted to take this when I sat down at my computer. Maybe it's ADD and I just forgot what I was going to say, or maybe I'm just being really hard on myself and don't want to let myself slide anymore. I don't know. But I'm tired of getting older every year and never accomplishing the things that are so important to me.

I can look back on every year of my adult life and see so many things that God did. Ways He pulled us through even the toughest situations; ways He orchestrated huge life changes through even the simplest baby steps.

But why am I willing to stop there? He gives me the desire to do so much more and surely gives me the tools, yet I sit here and let them gather dust. Am I going to see how much He has done, yet be content with not showing how much He can do through me?? Why am I not willing to shout from the rooftops "I'm doing it!!" only so I can point to Him and let my life be a testimony of how fantastically I can fail on my own, but how amazingly He can pull me through and lift me up?

Am I gutsy enough to put it out there, knowing it's not just in the quiet of my home that I voice these desires? Am I willing to be honest about where I want to go with the future so I can be held accountable?

Or, ahem, am I going to close this blog post now with those question marks lingering, never fully opening myself up? Man that's tempting. Then when I fail, no one ever really knew, and I don't have to be honest with how disappointed I am in myself for not trying. I can pretend that I accomplished everything I wanted, and I am fully satisfied with where my life is; who Melody is.

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okay I had full intentions of putting it all out there. but I am so stinking long-winded (which would explain the glazed over look my husband gets when I talk) and the post got WAY too long. so instead I'm putting the rest in a separate blog post. still putting it out there! just in a shorter-winded kind of way. :)

Home

We're here! Weeks of packing and moving and cleaning and tons of the never ending, and we're here. I must be getting older (though I sent out a memo forbidding this) because despite our 15+ moves, it is just getting harder and harder.

The house we moved out of is about 1400 square feet. A lot of our stuff was already in boxes from our last move because we had so little space, an the move seemed like it would be a bit simpler than in the past. But my gracious. It got to a point where I felt like I was still living at the old house and nothing would ever get done. I can tell you, there is no worse time to move than right before Christmas. Augh. And here we are less than two weeks from Christmas and my house is in chaos and I'm trying to get up decorations and have friends over this weekend for a spontaneous little Christmas get together (I guess because I know it will jump start making this house into a home) and I will never move again in December as long as I live! God willing. Because He has a sense of humor like that.

But as I lie here in my comfy new bed (our first since 1996) and flannel sheets and contemplate taking that first step onto the cold floor (that journey to make a cup of coffee is the longest in history), I KNOW that I am blessed so abundantly. I have a million things I would change if I could, but thank you God for it all.

I can't do it all.

I am so overwhelmed. I keep having these days where I just don't know where to start, and I tell myself it's just a day; tomorrow will be better. But then the next day comes and I feel more buried than the day before, and I feel defeated before I even get out of bed. Inevitably, something happens before I've finished my morning coffee that only sets me further back. Today? Our power getting shut off because we overlooked something silly.

I don't expect this to mean anything to anyone when I neglect my blog for weeks and then come on here wailing about my life. I just need to pour it out through my tears because I can't do it all.

We are in the middle of moving and this will be news to anyone I know in real life because we have only told two people (outside of family). One of those is our real estate agent. I am so sick of moving and get so embarrassed when we have to tell people, again, that our address has changed. I guess that's partly the reason I got a P.O. Box with our last move, so now I don't have to tell anyone unless they are trying to figure out why a stranger is now on the other side of the door they're knocking on. haha!

But it's not really the movING that has me upset- this house we're in now is a nightmare and the fact that we rented from friends that valued our rent check more than giving us a home we deserved has made this past year hell. We need to move. But when you set our move-in date 3 weeks before Christmas (actual move-OUT date being a mere 10 days before the holiday) AND invite my family over for Thanksgiving dinner (because I was going to be cooking anyway? what is 5 more people?), you have a woman ripping her hair out.

I just don't know where to start. Pack? Shop for Thanksgiving? Clean the house for our company?

And yeah- Christmas. My very favorite time of year that I swear each time I'll do it differently and plan better. I don't want it to be something I fit in. I want it to be purposeful and reflecting and full of HIM.

I'll be reading our Jesse tree devotionals from a house of boxes and chaos. Surely there's a lesson in all of this.

I need to slow down. I need to know this isn't to all be done in my strength. I am not depending on His strength. I'm telling myself I don't have the time to spend time with Him. But it's the time with Him that motors me forward and strengthens me to be who He wants me to be. Today.

Funny, I searched for the link to Ann Voskamp's Jesse Tree devotional to put above (which is AMAZING. we did it last year and I will remember it forever. can't wait to start it again) and came across interviews of her when her book was released. I have that book. But I guess in the craziness of life I let the to-do lists bury the lists of thankfulness. I started writing this blog post with the intentions of venting with tears pouring down my face. Instead, God opened my eyes.

Arid Zona

At this moment, we are in the car driving to Arizona. Well, we're in Arizona already, so I guess mission accomplished. More specifically though, we are driving out to Phoenix. Big Hunk plays in a baseball tournament every year (the MABL World Series) which lasts about a week, but this time he's playing in two different divisions and we'll be there for 10 days.

This would be the part where I'd say "yay!" except two kids, a dog and a kitten make me question our sanity. Yes, a kitten.

We found pet sitters for all of our animals (except our 11 month old Golden Retriever puppy, whom we were planning to bring all along), but 2 days before we left we have a moment of insanity and decided to bring Ikie's new kitten along. And of course, there's no telling a 7-year old that you briefly lost your mind and that she has to surrender said kitty to her grandparents for 10 days. So, there are 2 adults, 2 kids, a 60 pound Golden Retriever, a 10 week old kitten, 3 Pillow Pets, a huge baseball bag and one giant suitcase in our 9 year old Explorer. And a partridge in a pear tree.

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Fast forward a few hours, and we're now resting comfortably in the condo we rented. Kids are playing Xbox (is it okay to thank God for video games?) and in a moment I will be lying down for a much needed nap. Lord willing. Because He knows getting up at 5:30 this morning and sitting in the car for 6 hours, listening every 10 minutes to someone yell "Slug bug!" (okay that was me) plum wore this mama out.

Thank you Jesus, for Xbox.

Tomorrow Big Hunk has two (3 hour) games, thankfully spread out with a long break in between. Mama can rest and my 6+ hours cheering on my man can be broken up with some coffee and a/c in the middle. That's my kind of sandwich.

Goodnight. It's 4pm and my hot pink earplugs have been placed in their appropriate crevices. Come on sleep.

Get in the wheelbarrow

My pastor shared this video several months ago and I just loved it so much. I was able to share it with Mike & Ike last week as we read Mirette on the High Wire, a fictional story based on Blondin's life. I had to share it with you! It brings tears to my eyes every time.

a day in the life: {fair} 6:30pm

done.

a day in the life: {fair} 4:45pm

7 1/2 hours and still going strong.

(they just made these ropes)