Sunday, August 17, 2008

I am a piece of art.

I am crashing. This morning for breakfast I had only a coffee cake muffin (yum!) and on our way home from church, a bottled Frap (large) and 3/4 of a donut. Add to that 1/2 of Big Hunk's Rockstar and I think my shaking and weakness is self-explanatory. For a good 2 hours I cleaned out part of our garage after BH left for his baseball game, until I couldn't hardly stand anymore. Now after eating an Uncrustable I wonder if I have enough energy to finish my job?

Well, there was no miracle at the doctor on Friday. No heartbeat, no growth. Lots of disappointment though. The baby was still measuring at 6w4d (same as my appt almost 2 weeks prior), I should have been 9 weeks. Needless to say, this sucks.

I've been dealing okay- just not really dealing much at all. When my friend Gabe (whose wife was watching the kids for us) was asking questions after my appt about it all and how I was doing, I could only avoid eye contact and give short answers to keep from crying (nothing makes a guy uncomfortable like a woman crying! lol). I had shed a couple tears leaving the doctor's parking lot Friday, but until today was just sad- not breaking down.

Well, nothing like worship at church to change that. I don't know what it is! I am always emotional during worship at church- I can usually just hold it in. I guess it's like when I'm there and (even if it's only been a couple days) I'm standing, listening to the loud music and being surrounded by people praising God (and some probably thinking about their dishes at home), I am just hit that this is where I belong. I LOVE my church. Love it. And it is totally home to me. And when we are worshiping, I am in my place.

Well today it started with "Blessed Be Your Name". Yes, He does give and take away. But though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name. Wow.

Well wonderful Byron (our worship leader) just couldn't stop there. He followed it up with "Draw Me Close" (which by the way, have you heard Kutless' version? It's awesome). Two notes in I was bawling. Big Hunk looked over at me and after a second glance (surely I wouldn't be crying here LOL) put his arm around me and that was all it took- the floodgates were open. Thank goodness for the best mascara in the world, and I still managed to leave the sanctuary looking like a human being.

I know I'm going to be okay. But I can't tell you how true it is: there is SUCH pain in the offering. Uncertainty, questions, heartbreak. And this is all before we even tell the kids that their baby brother/sister (Ike is sure it was a girl) isn't going to be born. That s/he died and went to Heaven with Great-Grandma and Hammer the fish.

There have been so many days lately that I wish I could be there too. Not in the morbid way of wanting to die (EVER), but the Lord has just created such a longing in me to be with Him. To be in His presence. It's just that this world is so full of pain and torment that I am so happy this is the worst it will get for me. It will only get better. I can't imagine living with the uncertainty of where I will go when I die, and being unsure if this is the best I will see or not.

I don't know why God allowed me to get pregnant again to only say goodbye a third time. I probably won't know this side of Heaven. But I trust Him. And as painful as my days are right now, I know that He has a plan. I may not even see the whole picture until I'm looking back on the whole portrait of my life. But I know that every brush stroke is painting a masterpiece, and that He is the artist. And I've never seen Him paint a picture that wasn't absolutely perfect.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I won't say goodbye.

I've been in a crummy mood the past few days. It's made me want nothing to do with almost anyone right now, simply because I feel so alone. Yeah, I'm probably being *itchy. (Yup, itchy. You read it right. lol)

10 days ago I found out that my baby didn't have a heartbeat. 9 days ago I realized that it's in God's hands and that He- and He alone- has the final say. I have prayed and prayed for a miracle; I have completely placed this child in God's hands, knowing she was never really mine in the first place.

Most anyone I've told about our decision to believe has answered with "Oh good! I wanted to tell you the story about...." and would follow with a story similar to mine that concluded with a healthy baby. One person however, answered me with a shrug and change of the subject. Now this is the same person that is normally one of my good friends and has been a real prayer warrior for my marriage and all that we've been going through the past few months. She was ecstatic when I told her I was pregnant. But I guess she's just one of those people that doesn't handle news like this well, and is more of a "fairweather" supporter. Whatever.

(Pardon my jumping all over the place. I've been needing to get this all out but we need to be out the door shortly and I'm trying to hurry so I can do the dishes too.) Nothing has happened with my body, other than feeling as pregnant as ever with tons of exhaustion, nausea, and emotions. But the night before last I dreamt that indeed miscarried and it brought with it the flood of "whatifs". Yet still nothing has happened and I have faith.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I feel like a nervous wreck. I feel like the outcome of my whole life is weighing on this appointment. I totally broke down to BH today because I felt like I had no one to talk to, and that no one cared. I know it's not true, but I'm just bitter because everyone's busy lives are more important than my problems. ;) All in all I think it helped him realize how much I am dealing with right now (even if I don't open up) and how much I NEED him there tomorrow. He had already been planning on going but had other things planned just prior, and I was worried that- even though my dr. is always running late- he would get stuck and not make it in time. Now I truly believe he will make every effort to be there on time solely to hold my hand and calm my nerves.

God, I really really don't want to sit in that waiting room again only to lose another baby. Please don't make me let go of another one.

In just the past 5 months that waiting room has been such a bittersweet friend to me. In March when I knew I was losing my (2nd) baby. In July when I was pregnant again. A week ago when I knew something was wrong and I waited to find out my fate. And now tomorrow, waiting to find out if my prayers and faith were answered with a miracle.

I am praying constantly. I am praying, despite a gazillion ultrasounds last Monday to tell me my baby had no heartbeat, that we will go in tomorrow and defy the odds. That we will see that perfect, bright, pulsating heartbeat and a baby that is exactly 9 weeks along. That I can smile widely and tell everyone that God performed a miracle and I knew He would!

Well I need to shut it now and get on with my day. I have a sinkful of dishes that need to be done before my hunk walks in the door, and kiddos that are to be taken to the library for a bunch of fun and shows. :) I'm still blessed.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


I love how I (finally) make a post about being pregnant, and then I find out the same day that my baby has no heartbeat.

Monday, August 4, 2008

I've been putting it off... ;)

But this blog has been suffering because it seems like everything in my life right now centers around one little tidbit of information that we hadn't quite shared yet with family. But now I can. :) We're pregnant! Again!

So maybe now my blog can catch it's breath again and come back to life.

I will post more later when I have time.