Friday, November 18, 2011

I can't do it all.

I am so overwhelmed. I keep having these days where I just don't know where to start, and I tell myself it's just a day; tomorrow will be better. But then the next day comes and I feel more buried than the day before, and I feel defeated before I even get out of bed. Inevitably, something happens before I've finished my morning coffee that only sets me further back. Today? Our power getting shut off because we overlooked something silly.

I don't expect this to mean anything to anyone when I neglect my blog for weeks and then come on here wailing about my life. I just need to pour it out through my tears because I can't do it all.

We are in the middle of moving and this will be news to anyone I know in real life because we have only told two people (outside of family). One of those is our real estate agent. I am so sick of moving and get so embarrassed when we have to tell people, again, that our address has changed. I guess that's partly the reason I got a P.O. Box with our last move, so now I don't have to tell anyone unless they are trying to figure out why a stranger is now on the other side of the door they're knocking on. haha!

But it's not really the movING that has me upset- this house we're in now is a nightmare and the fact that we rented from friends that valued our rent check more than giving us a home we deserved has made this past year hell. We need to move. But when you set our move-in date 3 weeks before Christmas (actual move-OUT date being a mere 10 days before the holiday) AND invite my family over for Thanksgiving dinner (because I was going to be cooking anyway? what is 5 more people?), you have a woman ripping her hair out.

I just don't know where to start. Pack? Shop for Thanksgiving? Clean the house for our company?

And yeah- Christmas. My very favorite time of year that I swear each time I'll do it differently and plan better. I don't want it to be something I fit in. I want it to be purposeful and reflecting and full of HIM.

I'll be reading our Jesse tree devotionals from a house of boxes and chaos. Surely there's a lesson in all of this.

I need to slow down. I need to know this isn't to all be done in my strength. I am not depending on His strength. I'm telling myself I don't have the time to spend time with Him. But it's the time with Him that motors me forward and strengthens me to be who He wants me to be. Today.

Funny, I searched for the link to Ann Voskamp's Jesse Tree devotional to put above (which is AMAZING. we did it last year and I will remember it forever. can't wait to start it again) and came across interviews of her when her book was released. I have that book. But I guess in the craziness of life I let the to-do lists bury the lists of thankfulness. I started writing this blog post with the intentions of venting with tears pouring down my face. Instead, God opened my eyes.