Thursday, August 14, 2008

I won't say goodbye.

I've been in a crummy mood the past few days. It's made me want nothing to do with almost anyone right now, simply because I feel so alone. Yeah, I'm probably being *itchy. (Yup, itchy. You read it right. lol)

10 days ago I found out that my baby didn't have a heartbeat. 9 days ago I realized that it's in God's hands and that He- and He alone- has the final say. I have prayed and prayed for a miracle; I have completely placed this child in God's hands, knowing she was never really mine in the first place.

Most anyone I've told about our decision to believe has answered with "Oh good! I wanted to tell you the story about...." and would follow with a story similar to mine that concluded with a healthy baby. One person however, answered me with a shrug and change of the subject. Now this is the same person that is normally one of my good friends and has been a real prayer warrior for my marriage and all that we've been going through the past few months. She was ecstatic when I told her I was pregnant. But I guess she's just one of those people that doesn't handle news like this well, and is more of a "fairweather" supporter. Whatever.

(Pardon my jumping all over the place. I've been needing to get this all out but we need to be out the door shortly and I'm trying to hurry so I can do the dishes too.) Nothing has happened with my body, other than feeling as pregnant as ever with tons of exhaustion, nausea, and emotions. But the night before last I dreamt that indeed miscarried and it brought with it the flood of "whatifs". Yet still nothing has happened and I have faith.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I feel like a nervous wreck. I feel like the outcome of my whole life is weighing on this appointment. I totally broke down to BH today because I felt like I had no one to talk to, and that no one cared. I know it's not true, but I'm just bitter because everyone's busy lives are more important than my problems. ;) All in all I think it helped him realize how much I am dealing with right now (even if I don't open up) and how much I NEED him there tomorrow. He had already been planning on going but had other things planned just prior, and I was worried that- even though my dr. is always running late- he would get stuck and not make it in time. Now I truly believe he will make every effort to be there on time solely to hold my hand and calm my nerves.

God, I really really don't want to sit in that waiting room again only to lose another baby. Please don't make me let go of another one.

In just the past 5 months that waiting room has been such a bittersweet friend to me. In March when I knew I was losing my (2nd) baby. In July when I was pregnant again. A week ago when I knew something was wrong and I waited to find out my fate. And now tomorrow, waiting to find out if my prayers and faith were answered with a miracle.

I am praying constantly. I am praying, despite a gazillion ultrasounds last Monday to tell me my baby had no heartbeat, that we will go in tomorrow and defy the odds. That we will see that perfect, bright, pulsating heartbeat and a baby that is exactly 9 weeks along. That I can smile widely and tell everyone that God performed a miracle and I knew He would!

Well I need to shut it now and get on with my day. I have a sinkful of dishes that need to be done before my hunk walks in the door, and kiddos that are to be taken to the library for a bunch of fun and shows. :) I'm still blessed.


  1. I don't want to rattle off a bunch of excuses for myself and sound lame, but I am truly sorry if I have appeared to be unsupportive. I think I get this fear/anxiety that I'm not doing well enough with being there or maybe that I'm being slightly bothersome and so I try and read signals and act on those... but maybe I am entirely OFF. Lately I've felt like I might need to give you some space, so I've tried doing that, yet didn't want to look like I wasn't there for you. Basically, I just want to do the RIGHT thing by you because I love you and I care about you and all of your babies- it all matters to me. PLEASE forgive me if I have not made myself present enough. I want to be there, I just don't want to mess up again (like the first time), so I am trying to watch every step I make.


    P.S I hope this doesn't sound as insane as it looks to me.

  2. For what it's worth, I've been praying for you too. I've been wondering how you're doing, what has happened (if anything) with the baby or possible m/c. When you said how dumb (for lack of a better word) your doctor seems, I couldn't help but hope that they are wrong. That somehow, they, or their u/s machine missed that little flicker. I mean, if they can't even find whatever that mass was, surely they could have missed a h/b on that tiny few mm of a baby. I'll pray somemore tonight that there is a miracle in store for you tomorrow. {{{HUGE HUGS}}}

  3. I'm so sorry you are feeling lonely right now. When I was going through my MC, I tell you what...the people I normally talked to on a daily basis rarely called. It was so lonely. I got more support from my online friends than IRL.

    Anyway, please know I've been thinking about you and hoping for the best. I pray for peace and comfort during this difficult and confusing time.

    Let us know how your dr's appt goes.

  4. Hi Melody,
    Finally back online and came to check on you........I am doing some serious praying right now. I hope you got the miracle you prayed for at the doctor. I am sorry you are feeling so low.....I have been there with m/c and I know how you feel. Keeping you in my prayers and on my heart. Take care......Dena


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