I am crashing. This morning for breakfast I had only a coffee cake muffin (yum!) and on our way home from church, a bottled Frap (large) and 3/4 of a donut. Add to that 1/2 of Big Hunk's Rockstar and I think my shaking and weakness is self-explanatory. For a good 2 hours I cleaned out part of our garage after BH left for his baseball game, until I couldn't hardly stand anymore. Now after eating an Uncrustable I wonder if I have enough energy to finish my job?
Well, there was no miracle at the doctor on Friday. No heartbeat, no growth. Lots of disappointment though. The baby was still measuring at 6w4d (same as my appt almost 2 weeks prior), I should have been 9 weeks. Needless to say, this sucks.
I've been dealing okay- just not really dealing much at all. When my friend Gabe (whose wife was watching the kids for us) was asking questions after my appt about it all and how I was doing, I could only avoid eye contact and give short answers to keep from crying (nothing makes a guy uncomfortable like a woman crying! lol). I had shed a couple tears leaving the doctor's parking lot Friday, but until today was just sad- not breaking down.
Well, nothing like worship at church to change that. I don't know what it is! I am always emotional during worship at church- I can usually just hold it in. I guess it's like when I'm there and (even if it's only been a couple days) I'm standing, listening to the loud music and being surrounded by people praising God (and some probably thinking about their dishes at home), I am just hit that this is where I belong. I LOVE my church. Love it. And it is totally home to me. And when we are worshiping, I am in my place.
Well today it started with "Blessed Be Your Name". Yes, He does give and take away. But though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name. Wow.
Well wonderful Byron (our worship leader) just couldn't stop there. He followed it up with "Draw Me Close" (which by the way, have you heard Kutless' version? It's awesome). Two notes in I was bawling. Big Hunk looked over at me and after a second glance (surely I wouldn't be crying here LOL) put his arm around me and that was all it took- the floodgates were open. Thank goodness for the best mascara in the world, and I still managed to leave the sanctuary looking like a human being.
I know I'm going to be okay. But I can't tell you how true it is: there is SUCH pain in the offering. Uncertainty, questions, heartbreak. And this is all before we even tell the kids that their baby brother/sister (Ike is sure it was a girl) isn't going to be born. That s/he died and went to Heaven with Great-Grandma and Hammer the fish.
There have been so many days lately that I wish I could be there too. Not in the morbid way of wanting to die (EVER), but the Lord has just created such a longing in me to be with Him. To be in His presence. It's just that this world is so full of pain and torment that I am so happy this is the worst it will get for me. It will only get better. I can't imagine living with the uncertainty of where I will go when I die, and being unsure if this is the best I will see or not.
I don't know why God allowed me to get pregnant again to only say goodbye a third time. I probably won't know this side of Heaven. But I trust Him. And as painful as my days are right now, I know that He has a plan. I may not even see the whole picture until I'm looking back on the whole portrait of my life. But I know that every brush stroke is painting a masterpiece, and that He is the artist. And I've never seen Him paint a picture that wasn't absolutely perfect.