Friday, December 30, 2011

old year reflections

This year has been... gosh it's been a lot. The four of us were all reflecting over dinner last night how far God has brought us in the past 12 months, and we were just in awe over how much has happened. If someone had told us December 31, 2010 all the things that would culminate in the next 52 weeks, I know we would have laughed!

I want so much from the new year. I finally want one year to be the one that miraculously brings me all the skills I've been craving so deeply; that brings the extra hours in each day to accomplish all the things running through my mind at any given moment. I want one of these years to be the one I can credit with finally getting it all together and being the Mom I know God wants me to be; to finally be in shape and be that muscular, toned mom that isn't still carrying around 20lbs from her last baby (um, 7 years ago).

But it hits me that all of these things take work. I could have a million new, fresh years but the only thing that is going to bring about the changes I want to see in my life is good ol' effort.

I can complain about not knowing how to sew all I want, but as long as the sewing machine is boxed up in the garage, nothing will change. I can look in the mirror and want to cry at all the new dimples (oh, the dimples!) and rolls, but as long as I'm eating Hershey's kisses for breakfast {hypothetically of course} I am going to go out on a limb here and say those dimples ain't going anywhere. And my goodness, I can pray and pray about being a better mommy every single day of my life (and I do), but if I'm not willing to put into action those thousands of things I swear every night I'll change, it's all just intentions.

I had a totally different direction I wanted to take this when I sat down at my computer. Maybe it's ADD and I just forgot what I was going to say, or maybe I'm just being really hard on myself and don't want to let myself slide anymore. I don't know. But I'm tired of getting older every year and never accomplishing the things that are so important to me.

I can look back on every year of my adult life and see so many things that God did. Ways He pulled us through even the toughest situations; ways He orchestrated huge life changes through even the simplest baby steps.

But why am I willing to stop there? He gives me the desire to do so much more and surely gives me the tools, yet I sit here and let them gather dust. Am I going to see how much He has done, yet be content with not showing how much He can do through me?? Why am I not willing to shout from the rooftops "I'm doing it!!" only so I can point to Him and let my life be a testimony of how fantastically I can fail on my own, but how amazingly He can pull me through and lift me up?

Am I gutsy enough to put it out there, knowing it's not just in the quiet of my home that I voice these desires? Am I willing to be honest about where I want to go with the future so I can be held accountable?

Or, ahem, am I going to close this blog post now with those question marks lingering, never fully opening myself up? Man that's tempting. Then when I fail, no one ever really knew, and I don't have to be honest with how disappointed I am in myself for not trying. I can pretend that I accomplished everything I wanted, and I am fully satisfied with where my life is; who Melody is.

okay I had full intentions of putting it all out there. but I am so stinking long-winded (which would explain the glazed over look my husband gets when I talk) and the post got WAY too long. so instead I'm putting the rest in a separate blog post. still putting it out there! just in a shorter-winded kind of way. :)

1 comment:

  1. I know exactly what you mean...I complain about not accomplishing this or wanting to change that, but I don't actually DO anything about it. I think it's totally a control thing for me. If I actually let go and let Him have all the control, then I actually have to let go of the control myself...and that's SO hard! Even in my mind I realize that I wouldn't need the control (because I'm not really the one controlling it anyway), letting go of it, actually handing it over is, well...I'm working on it :)


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