Thursday, January 15, 2015

Seeing again.

I ran my first training run for the Pixie Dust Challenge on Monday. 3 miles down, 11 more to go! It wasn't my greatest (or most painless) run, but I can't expect much when I've run once in the past month, and only a handful of times in the past year. I don't even know if I can get in to the Pixie Dust Challenge, but I'm praying I can! My friend is talking to a friend of hers to see if they can open a registration, but even if they do the price may be through the roof- halting my dreams in their tracks. :/ I feel like I've set my heart on this so greatly as sort of a redemption for my loss, that I will be heartbroken if I can't do this. But, I need to place it in God's hands. He knows my hurt and knows just what I need.

I ran my second run yesterday, just a quick 35 minute maintenance run yesterday, and I felt so good. I was much faster than Monday's run, and I didn't feel like an elephant tromping through quick sand until the end. So, progress.

I've started working out again too, at home. I just love lifting weights. I'm somewhat limited being I workout at home and don't have a barbell, but I modify where I need to and truly enjoy it. Well, after. ;) I have gained 10 pounds (!!) since I got pregnant, and about 7 of that was after I lost my baby. Oh what grief does to you.

It's really hard. And the added weight only compounds it. When I look at the scale I can only think that I gained all this weight for nothing. Like I took it easy on my workouts and stopped running {walking instead} because I wanted to give this baby a real shot at making it, but he/she still died but the weight doesn't just come off and disappear when being pregnant does.

I'm really doing well. I don't want to make it sound like I'm living in constant darkness because I'm not. The Lord has really helped me heal. In the beginning I was so angry and questioning why He would let this happen to me again. I now have just come back to the truth that His ways are not mine, and I will never understand. I do know, however, through this and any other pain that has or will come my way, that He loves me. And His letting me go through heartbreak doesn't change that. When I first lost him/her, I was so mad that I wished I would never have gotten pregnant at all if it would have just been ripped from me. I have finally gotten to the point where I can thank Him for the time I was able to carry and love my baby. Now I would never trade those nights when I would fall asleep hugging my belly with a big grin on my face, so thrilled that God had blessed us again.

So anyway, I am finding myself again. That sounds so silly and cliché, but I got lost for a while. I didn't know me anymore. I forgot what makes me tick and gave up on doing anything for me. Not that that should be my focus, but for everyone's sanity life does work better when Mom isn't just living for them. Since moving to Arizona I very very rarely left the house by myself (like twice in a month) because Tom is working so much, and I felt like I would suffocate if I had to be in the house one more day. I baked and decorated for Christmas and spent time with my kids (all GOOD things), but there wasn't a moment I spent on me. I really had no interest. I guess I was worried that if I were to be alone at all, I would be allowing the sadness and grief and doubt to fall on me like an avalanche and I was so afraid. 

But now, now I can say with tears in my eyes that the fog is lifting. I care about me again. I remember how therapeutic {albeit painful} running is and how good I feel when I sweat. How much I love feeling sore the day after a good weights workout. And I am even thinking about starting to bake cookies to sell, simply because I enjoy it. (And I probably won't even make a dime.) 

I hope this doesn't come across that my life needs to be all about me and my happiness- it doesn't. At all. I just needed to get to the point where I let God show me again how to live.

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