Friday, January 9, 2015

a new year, again.

Someone really needs to invent some sort of ESP-like device so that when I start composing a post in my head, it will automatically be shot to my blog. But at the same time it needs to immediately recognize my "normal" thoughts (which are probably anything but normal) and not post those. Like... my grocery list, any frustrations I may be running over and over in my mind, and the words to Run DMC's "It's Tricky." Not that reading this speech is my recital, I think it's very vital isn't very productive, but more because I'm afraid that if that can get transported to my blog, so can the obsessions of how I can match my socks the least and "oh my, these fleece jammies are sooo soft!"

So yeah. Maybe that ESP thing isn't such a good idea.

I had grand ideas of doing an end-of-2014 post and writing all the things that I've learned and experienced last year. You know what I did instead? Obsessed over why my Pioneer Woman cinnamon rolls didn't turn out THREE times, and actually laid in bed contemplating what I could do differently. {by the way, the third time was less of a failure than the other two, so I called it quits.} Clearly I don't have enough to do with my time if my most consuming thoughts are ones of whether my yeast is active or not.

I know most people feel like this at the beginning of a new year, but this year I feel especially motivated to make changes. Avoiding gluten {I have had a sensitivity to it for years but when it's no longer something that causes me physical pain, I tend to give myself too much freedom} and even halting use of my microwave are things that are on my mind lately. My biggest goal is to run a half marathon. The Tinker Bell Half Marathon in May, to be specific. {Actually I would love to do the Pixie Dust Challenge, which is the 10K Saturday and then the half marathon on Sunday.} I had been wanting to sign up for months but didn't have the money when registration opened, and then found out I was pregnant. The race is Mother's Day weekend, the exact weekend I was due. Of course having a baby sounded a million times better than running 13.1 miles, so I wasn't completely heartbroken. ;)

But then it hit me a couple weeks ago that I could again run it, and I emailed my friend that may have a way to find an opening for me. I truly can't think of a better way of honoring my baby than doing something so uncomfortable and monumental as running a half marathon- a day that will no doubt be filled with tears and reflection. Running for me is hard. And I am slow. But at that finish line I feel so amazing and strong. I want to feel strong again. These past few months have kicked me to the ground. Losing my so wanted, so loved baby in October, then moving away from everything we know in November... This was the fourth baby that has been taken from me and each time it gets harder. I want to run those 19.3 miles of the Pixie Challenge and know with every step that, in some way, I am telling my baby that he matters. That he isn't just forgotten because I never got to hold him in my arms or nurse him or whisper lullabies to him as he drifted off to sleep.

I want to feel strong again.

I don't know if I'll get to run it, but I will train in faith that I will. That God (and RunDisney) will open up a space for me. That I will cross that finish line knowing that I took a horribly painful weekend and gave it weight. Gave it meaning. Made it count. And every mile I train up until that day will be a step of empowerment and closeness with the baby I never got to kiss.

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