Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Burdened beyond belief.

I am so heartbroken. After reading everyday (sometimes over and over again) what someone is going through, my soul is weary from making intercession. Sometimes, we don't receive explanations this side of heaven. Angie, the wife of one of the members of the group Selah, is going through a time most of us can only fear. She is about 32 weeks pregnant, and back in January her baby girl was diagnosed as terminal- having an enlarged heart, and undeveloped lungs because of lack of amniotic fluid. You can follow her journey here. After much prayer and medical advice, they are delivering their baby girl Audrey by c-section next Monday, April 7th. Just reading about the intense emotions surrounding them is saddening, but that they also have 3 other daughters that are experiencing all of this as well just breaks my heart.

Just a few minutes ago I was putting Mikey to bed. I didn't want to leave him. I am reminded of how few our days are with our children, no matter how healthy they are. One day, even if I live to be 80 and my children outlive me, it will seem like the blink of an eye. As I was singing "Every change reminds me of how the years have flown. I cherish each step that you take, and I praise God for change, though it makes my heart break..." I couldn't help but cry. The past 5.5 years being a mom have flown. How in the world am I going to look back on 18 years of parenting and think it was enough?

Today the kids were watching as I moved all of their keepsakes into bigger boxes (Holy cow do I save everything!). Seeing their homecoming outfits, hospital bracelets, ultrasound photos, first artwork, etc just blew me away. I swear, it was just yesterday that I was choosing homecoming outfits for Mikey's birth (we didn't know what we were having), or decorating the house for Ike's baby shower. Even if I had a hundred years, it would not be enough. I'm not ready for my kids to grow. Yet, in complete disobedience, they do it everyday. With no regard for my feelings whatsoever.

Mikey lost his first tooth yesterday. Well, second really, but this is the first he's pulled out (the other he broke when he was a baby and it kept breaking off until almost nothing was left, and the dentist finally pulled it out recently). Someone stop time! He'll be in first grade next year! Ike is going to be four this summer!

Okay- another song I love says "I'll never catch all the memories I'm chasing, I'll never be ready to let go." Holy crap am I in a sentimental mood tonight. But I just hurt so much for Angie, and I don't want to look back on all the years I did have with my kids, and see how much I missed. I want to see what I experienced with them. How I played with them. How every single day was filled with laughter and kisses. But most of all, I hope they see that too.


  1. I was just thinking the same thing this morning. It baffles me that my "baby" is almost a year and a half and my other "baby" is four...FOUR! He only has one more year of preschool before the big time. I'm amazed. Just as I was looking at that big boy Jackson sitting in the backseat humming to the music, that song "Don't Blink" by Kenney Chesney came on. Have you heard it? Makes me cry everytime. That's exactly how I feel sometimes, like if I blink, my kids will be grown, going off to college or married and having kids of their own. Seems like such a short time we get to hold them and shape them for their future.

  2. It's so true. Time is for us and against us. It takes mental toughness to live each day like it's our last.

    I'm sorry about your friend.


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