Stuck somewhere between now and then.

You know what's fun? Looking at pictures of yourself from when your youngest (now 9 1/2 year old) child was less than a year old and realizing you were skinnier then than you are now (and of course I felt disgusting.) Not quite the before and after pictures I was hoping for.

Last night I spent close to 4 hours not cleaning my house looking at old photos and videos from of when my kids were babies. Oh I could do that for days. I am so thankful I have taken so many videos of them and can hear their cute little voices and lisps again. It seems like yesterday that they were that tiny, yet at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago. So many hilarious memories, and so many times I will treasure forever with my family.

I want more kids so badly. And while we're trusting God in that area (though I'm pretty sure my husband's trusting is in the form of "please God don't let her get pregnant"), it hasn't happened yet. But the thing is, part of the reason I've been wanting it so bad is because I feel like I didn't appreciate the baby and toddler years enough. Like I was so overwhelmed and crazyfied (okay I really was) to really savor the moments, and I guess I kinda felt like I needed a do-over. But after watching all these videos and looking at literally thousands of photos covering even just a year or two, I realize that's not the case. I see that I truly did appreciate those years and knew that they would be fleeting. I know I still at times wished away the years wanting my kids to be walking/potty-trained/talking/reading/self-sufficient and cursed the fact that my daughter needed me to fall asleep every hour of every night for a while (see: human pacifier), I know I loved every minute of it. I guess I kinda forgot that.

But I still want to do it all over again.

intentional.

The other morning (okay, probably New Year's, because duh) I saw a pic on Kelly's Instagram that had her "annual" New Year's resolutions: lose 30 pounds {and yes, it was totally like she was in my head}, get organized, read the Bible in a year, and after those were crossed out, BE INTENTIONAL was written below.

Okay I know the word intentional is thrown around like crazy right now, but it just hit me. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. As in, I pretty much go on a FB break seemingly every month or two and slowly ease back into it, then am fully obsessed again after like 3 days. I just seem to be lacking that portion of self-control that tells most human beings they don't have to be on Facebook every hour, checking to make sure no one had a meal that I haven't heard about yet.

Okay not really, because that drives me nuts {even though I do it too}.

But really. WHY do I think anything is going to change so drastically in anyone's life over the course of a couple hours that I have to be on there so much??

So anyway, that morning. I'll have you know that I had no lofty goals that morning when I woke up, and certainly didn't feel like martyring out the teeny bit of social life I have left. But as I talked to God that morning and really prayed that He would help me cut out distractions in my life this year so I can really focus on Him and my family, He immediately spoke to me that Facebook had to go. Okay while I make it quite clear that I really don't like FB, can I just say I love it too? I don't have many friends I talk to on a regular basis, and I don't feel like I'm really that girl that anyone usually calls to hang out. And I feel lonely quite a bit, I'll be honest. So to completely wipe myself off from the face of the earth as far as social media goes, it's a little intimidating.But when you hear God's voice, it's usually always best to listen.
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And here it is, January 6th (I started this Friday night though. I'm nothing if not on the ball), and my FB is still up and running and I'm more active than I have been in a while on there.My point? Cut the umbilical cord, woman. (This alone should speak loud and clear how much I need a little intentional in my life. Good gracious.)

I really didn't want this whole post to be about the F-word, but I fear that if I don't hit submit now {3 days after starting it} I will never finish and this will hang in Blogger land like most other posts I ever start.

I will just say this. 2014 being the year of intentional for me means holding every moment captive. Being able to look back on my days without regret over how I spent those minutes. Knowing I didn't waste away time with my kids while I sat with my face in my phone yet wondered why they look so much older today. Spending face to face time with my husband. Not looking back on my marriage and wondering when we grew apart. I want to live all in. I want to give it all. I want to walk away knowing I gave my family the best I had, not my leftovers. So maybe that's a better goal:

ALL IN.



**edited to add: I will still be on Instagram because that is not nearly the time suck for me that fb is, and God willing I will finally figure out how to blog more than twice a year.**