A post I wrote on New Years and never posted.

I know this is kind of random. But I wrote this post as a continuation of my "Old Year Reflections" post and with how I'm feeling today, it just works. I'll explain tomorrow.
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But never trying is not just lying to myself. What is that teaching my kids? Do I want my kids to continuously settle for less than what they truly want in life, just because it's hard and there might be failures? I think I've been hurt so much by the no's in my life that I let it hold me back from all the new things I want to try, so sure I'll fail again and everyone will see.

About a year and a half ago, I joined the choir at our church. We hadn't been there more than a few months at the time, and I was so excited. I have ALWAYS loved singing and it was such a passion of mine in high school (we were Glee before Glee was cool) (though the green and silver sequined outfits didn't help.) So when I joined the choir, I really put myself out on a limb and tried out for a solo. I wanted it so bad, and practiced constantly. I really felt I could do a great job and that my voice was a perfect fit for the song.

Now one thing I should admit is that while I think I sing okay and really let it all out when I'm at home, my voice gets ridiculously shaky and I sweat when I sing {by myself} in front of anyone. As long as I've been singing in choirs, that one thing has never changed. So I'll give the choir director a break and let you see where he was coming from.

But when I tried out for that solo, with about 7 or 8 women around me, I really felt I did a good job.

But I'm sure you can guess what happened next, and I didn't get the solo. And I tried to be okay with it. I never even told Tom how disappointed I was. But deep down inside I was that girl in high school that loved singing so much, but was in front of the choir director that never seemed to want to give her a chance. I felt like such a failure. {and yes, I see the irony of joining a church choir yet being sad over the failure of self.}

And it hurt. I no longer wanted to join the choir at church, or even really put it out there and audition for the church Christmas musical. Failure hurts way more than seeing a longing unfulfilled.



...right?

Hmm.

Can I really be happy belting it out in the car (my poor kids) or in the shower, when I know I have this passion to sing and I know it's God that put it there? Who am I really failing when I squelch that God-given desire? If I am truly doing it for Him and giving Him the glory {instead of living like "hey, look what I can do!"}, can't I trust that He will give me the platform? And I guess the guts? ;) Because nothing is more awkward than that girl up on stage with the shaky voice that can't make eye contact. We all know that girl.

I can see why so many women live their early adult lives for their children and families, then realize as they get older that they have sold themselves so short and they want that chance before it's too late. Isn't that why X Factor doesn't have an age limit? haha!

More tomorrow...