Aw!

Mama & Tommie, Laguna Beach
Originally uploaded by faith gal220

I logged into my long-forgotten Flickr account so I can attach the photos (that I will one day upload) to my new website.

This was the only photo I'd added there. Sooooo cute! Ikey was 22 months here- could she BE more adorable??

And I'll just tackle the elephant in the room. Yes, I threw away that shirt.

The fam.

I feel like we have been SO busy. I homeschool and I am a stay-at-home mom, but I promise, we're hardly ever here. I have my weekly Bible Study (the kids come with me), the kids have AWANA every week, and then there's Friday school (on, um, Fridays). Add to that church services and Big Hunk's baseball games that are starting again and you can understand why we love the new gas prices so much. :)

Our school (since we homeschool, it's actually a private school thru our church) has Friday school, like I mentioned above. Both the kids are enrolled: Mike is taking a health/safety class and a science class, and Ike is taking health/safety and a ABC's storytime kind of class. It's a lot of fun for them to get taught by someone other than Mom, and I get to cuddle with the cute babies in the nursery while they are in class. :) We didn't do Friday school last year because there was only one class offered for Mikey, but I'm totally enjoying it this year. Next week is actually our last day until January because of the holidays.

Okay. So maybe we don't have so much going on. Because now I have nothing to say.

Quick notes, maybe?

• It is nature's cruel trick that in order to fight pimples from hell, I can't use my wrinkle cream. Pimples and wrinkles should never plague the same person at once.
• Our car is paid off. Yay!
• Christmas is less than 2 months away and now we're planning our New Year's party.
  
• My dog stinks.
  
• My dog has been stealing poop out of the catbox and eating it on my living room carpet. Sometimes leaving her leftovers for us.
  
• I love iCarly.
  
• I bought a new cupcake decorating book and am now obsessed with trying them all out. Who would NOT love a cupcake that looks like corn on the cob??
• Or an owl?
  
• My new favorite show is Rob & Big. I don't get how we missed it this long.
• Or a chicken leg?
  
• I am, once again, hooked on Seinfeld again. I watch it every night before bed.
• I broke my cute little coffeepot. It was a 4 cup size and was perfect.
  
• I LOVE pumpkin spice coffee and I'm sure to go through my 2-lb bag in a week.
• Pumpkin spice creamer with pumpkin spice coffee? Not so much.
• I don't know how Arnold Schwarzenagger was ever elected.
• I'm getting my hair cut on Monday!

Okay. This bullet list may very well have become obnoxious now, so I'm out.

On our way out.

We are leaving in about an hour and a half to go to Arizona. Big Hunk has a baseball tournament out there, and depending on how well his team does we could be there til Sunday. I'm looking forward to it (I love AZ, it's so beautiful) and hope the kids entertain themselves while I watch my man play. ;)

I have to say, this is RARE occasion, me sitting at the computer before we leave on a trip. Normally at this time I running around like a maniac packing last minute items (which with me, everything is packed last minute!) and complaining what a mess my house is.

I took a different approach this time. Yes I still packed last minute, but I DELEGATED. Sooo much easier! No more complaining that I have no help, this time I requested it. LOL Of course, as we speak Big Hunk's clothes are still not packed and he's not home, but he'll get it done. ;) I've spoiled the boy too long. All I have to do are finish cleaning the catbox and pack up the ice chest, and we're good to go. It will be a good 5-6 hour drive. I have all of our school supplies packed for the week, along with my own Bible study goodies and lots of movies. I really don't know how many of Tom's games we'll be able to go to, so we're just playing it by ear.

Okay- do any of your kids have Webkinz? Holy gracious that has had to be the most destructive purchase we've ever made. My mom bought each of the kids one over a year ago, but we never used their code online. I came across one of the codes a few weeks ago, and it all snowballed from there. Forget the kids- it's BH & I that are addicted!! They have the BEST games on there!! And you can only get to them if you have a Webkinz, so we use the kids' codes. Every time we play a game on there we earn the kids money to buy things for their animal- anything from big screen TV's to blenders to a magic carpet. LOL I am seriously having to make a conscious effort to NOT sit down at the computer because I will never get up!

Well, I need to cut this short so I can get Ikey lunch. Big Hunk & Mikey are out running last minute errands before our trip (dropping the dog off at doggie day care, getting a part for the car, etc) and I have the house all cleaned so I don't come home to a messy house. Sweet!

Antisocial.

I have been feeling really antisocial lately. It finds it's way into my everyday life where I don't make good small talk at church or on the phone, but it's definitely running over into my internet self too. ;) Whatever that means.

But today, I just feel like we have lots going on and I want to share!

Big Hunk had his baseball game yesterday, it was play-offs. Basically, if his team won, they would keep going for up to 3 more weeks. But if they lost, they would be eliminated immediately. Usually the kids and I don't go to the games all that often- usually a factor of the distance and heat making it too much of a pain in the butt. But I wasn't going to miss this one! And it was a good game. I am so glad I got to go, and I'm so thankful my kids are at the age they can play for 3 1/2 hours with friends and leave me alone! Half kidding there. ;) There is hardly anything I love more than just sitting and watching Big Hunk play baseball (and yes, those pants have something to do with it), and I wish I could go every week.

BH's team was in 5th place going into the playoffs, and they were playing the #4 team. The Angels vs. The Diablos, which always makes me laugh. Good vs. Evil. Well unfortunately, evil won this time. And it sucked. It was tied going into the 9th inning (the time limit is 3 hours, but they had to play extra time because of the tie), but the Angels scored one run giving them the advantage. But, because the Diablos had last ups, if they scored one run it would tie it up again or they had to score two to win.

I shed tears when they scored two, on a double. :*( I was so bummed for Hunk. He was pitching too, so he beats himself up.

So, the other team won by 1, and the season is over. BH is playing in a tournament in Arizona at the end of the month though, and the kids & I get to go with him. I'm so excited! Arizona is SO beautiful (the drive is loooong, but so gorgeous with all the red clay!) and clean, I can't wait to get away for a few days. And since my kids aren't sleeping in their own beds right now, it's not like the trip will screw up their schedule. *roll eyes*

Big Hunk's company is advertising with the (real) Angels for the rest of the season, so we get tickets to the rest of the home games. It's not many, but it's pretty much a dream come true for BH. He has ALWAYS wanted season tickets to the Angels. And it's even better that Mikey is officially an Angels nut too! His favorite player is Vladimir Guerrero, and the girl in charge of our advertising gave Mikey a ball signed by Guerrero when we were there a couple weeks ago. :) He was so ecstatic. We are *hoping* he will get to meet him, but we have to brush up on our Spanish if that happens because he doesn't speak English. lol

So anyway, the Yankees are our big rivals and Big Hunk has never seen the Yankees play before. Tonight (and the next 2) the Yankees are playing the Angels, and we get to go. :) Tonight the 4 of us are going, then tomorrow night BH is taking his friend and Mikey (I have our monthly women's study and Ike is going to a sitter). Wednesday is a day game so I will probably take Ikey to Disneyland while the boys watch the game. I love that my girl loves that place as much as I do. :-) Mikey couldn't usually care less if we go, but Ikey is always thrilled when we get to. Just like her mama.

My Tuesday morning Bible study starts back up in 2 weeks, and I CANNOT wait. I am seriously counting down the days. It ended in May and I have so missed that adult interaction! Even Mikey keeps asking when it starts again, poor kid. I keep him locked up in this house and he's "soooo bored". Kid, you don't even know what bored is! Those kids have a playroom full of toys, a backyard with an awesome playground and basketball hoop (okay, I can see how that hoop wouldn't be that appealing to Ikey), a pool (that I rarely take them swimming in myself), and every board game imaginable.

Yet all they ask to do is play on the computer (Webkinz are the best investment, I swear! lol) or Xbox. Or TV. Anything to numb the brain. Which I guess doesn't say much because here I am on the computer....

Well, I should get my kitchen clean before we leave in a couple hours. I don't have to can't cook for the next 3 nights because of the games and church on Wed, so I have no excuse to keep it clean!

I am a piece of art.

I am crashing. This morning for breakfast I had only a coffee cake muffin (yum!) and on our way home from church, a bottled Frap (large) and 3/4 of a donut. Add to that 1/2 of Big Hunk's Rockstar and I think my shaking and weakness is self-explanatory. For a good 2 hours I cleaned out part of our garage after BH left for his baseball game, until I couldn't hardly stand anymore. Now after eating an Uncrustable I wonder if I have enough energy to finish my job?

Well, there was no miracle at the doctor on Friday. No heartbeat, no growth. Lots of disappointment though. The baby was still measuring at 6w4d (same as my appt almost 2 weeks prior), I should have been 9 weeks. Needless to say, this sucks.

I've been dealing okay- just not really dealing much at all. When my friend Gabe (whose wife was watching the kids for us) was asking questions after my appt about it all and how I was doing, I could only avoid eye contact and give short answers to keep from crying (nothing makes a guy uncomfortable like a woman crying! lol). I had shed a couple tears leaving the doctor's parking lot Friday, but until today was just sad- not breaking down.

Well, nothing like worship at church to change that. I don't know what it is! I am always emotional during worship at church- I can usually just hold it in. I guess it's like when I'm there and (even if it's only been a couple days) I'm standing, listening to the loud music and being surrounded by people praising God (and some probably thinking about their dishes at home), I am just hit that this is where I belong. I LOVE my church. Love it. And it is totally home to me. And when we are worshiping, I am in my place.

Well today it started with "Blessed Be Your Name". Yes, He does give and take away. But though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name. Wow.

Well wonderful Byron (our worship leader) just couldn't stop there. He followed it up with "Draw Me Close" (which by the way, have you heard Kutless' version? It's awesome). Two notes in I was bawling. Big Hunk looked over at me and after a second glance (surely I wouldn't be crying here LOL) put his arm around me and that was all it took- the floodgates were open. Thank goodness for the best mascara in the world, and I still managed to leave the sanctuary looking like a human being.

I know I'm going to be okay. But I can't tell you how true it is: there is SUCH pain in the offering. Uncertainty, questions, heartbreak. And this is all before we even tell the kids that their baby brother/sister (Ike is sure it was a girl) isn't going to be born. That s/he died and went to Heaven with Great-Grandma and Hammer the fish.

There have been so many days lately that I wish I could be there too. Not in the morbid way of wanting to die (EVER), but the Lord has just created such a longing in me to be with Him. To be in His presence. It's just that this world is so full of pain and torment that I am so happy this is the worst it will get for me. It will only get better. I can't imagine living with the uncertainty of where I will go when I die, and being unsure if this is the best I will see or not.

I don't know why God allowed me to get pregnant again to only say goodbye a third time. I probably won't know this side of Heaven. But I trust Him. And as painful as my days are right now, I know that He has a plan. I may not even see the whole picture until I'm looking back on the whole portrait of my life. But I know that every brush stroke is painting a masterpiece, and that He is the artist. And I've never seen Him paint a picture that wasn't absolutely perfect.

I won't say goodbye.

I've been in a crummy mood the past few days. It's made me want nothing to do with almost anyone right now, simply because I feel so alone. Yeah, I'm probably being *itchy. (Yup, itchy. You read it right. lol)

10 days ago I found out that my baby didn't have a heartbeat. 9 days ago I realized that it's in God's hands and that He- and He alone- has the final say. I have prayed and prayed for a miracle; I have completely placed this child in God's hands, knowing she was never really mine in the first place.

Most anyone I've told about our decision to believe has answered with "Oh good! I wanted to tell you the story about...." and would follow with a story similar to mine that concluded with a healthy baby. One person however, answered me with a shrug and change of the subject. Now this is the same person that is normally one of my good friends and has been a real prayer warrior for my marriage and all that we've been going through the past few months. She was ecstatic when I told her I was pregnant. But I guess she's just one of those people that doesn't handle news like this well, and is more of a "fairweather" supporter. Whatever.

(Pardon my jumping all over the place. I've been needing to get this all out but we need to be out the door shortly and I'm trying to hurry so I can do the dishes too.) Nothing has happened with my body, other than feeling as pregnant as ever with tons of exhaustion, nausea, and emotions. But the night before last I dreamt that indeed miscarried and it brought with it the flood of "whatifs". Yet still nothing has happened and I have faith.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I feel like a nervous wreck. I feel like the outcome of my whole life is weighing on this appointment. I totally broke down to BH today because I felt like I had no one to talk to, and that no one cared. I know it's not true, but I'm just bitter because everyone's busy lives are more important than my problems. ;) All in all I think it helped him realize how much I am dealing with right now (even if I don't open up) and how much I NEED him there tomorrow. He had already been planning on going but had other things planned just prior, and I was worried that- even though my dr. is always running late- he would get stuck and not make it in time. Now I truly believe he will make every effort to be there on time solely to hold my hand and calm my nerves.

God, I really really don't want to sit in that waiting room again only to lose another baby. Please don't make me let go of another one.

In just the past 5 months that waiting room has been such a bittersweet friend to me. In March when I knew I was losing my (2nd) baby. In July when I was pregnant again. A week ago when I knew something was wrong and I waited to find out my fate. And now tomorrow, waiting to find out if my prayers and faith were answered with a miracle.

I am praying constantly. I am praying, despite a gazillion ultrasounds last Monday to tell me my baby had no heartbeat, that we will go in tomorrow and defy the odds. That we will see that perfect, bright, pulsating heartbeat and a baby that is exactly 9 weeks along. That I can smile widely and tell everyone that God performed a miracle and I knew He would!

Well I need to shut it now and get on with my day. I have a sinkful of dishes that need to be done before my hunk walks in the door, and kiddos that are to be taken to the library for a bunch of fun and shows. :) I'm still blessed.

Nice.

I love how I (finally) make a post about being pregnant, and then I find out the same day that my baby has no heartbeat.

I've been putting it off... ;)

But this blog has been suffering because it seems like everything in my life right now centers around one little tidbit of information that we hadn't quite shared yet with family. But now I can. :) We're pregnant! Again!

So maybe now my blog can catch it's breath again and come back to life.

I will post more later when I have time.

The pear tree

When I first started watching this video today I thought it would be cheesy. I had never read this before (though maybe you have) and I was in tears before I got halfway through. I so needed this right now.

The bride.

I came across this story a few years ago in my Max Lucado Devotional Bible, and kind of forgot about it. When I found it again a couple days ago the timing couldn't have been better. Such a beautiful picture.

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Seeing Ourselves as God Sees Us

Look long enough into the eyes of our Savior and, there too, you will see a bride. Dressed in fine linen. Clothes in pure grace. From the wreath in her hair to the clouds at her feet, she is royal; she is the princess. She is the bride. His bride. Walking toward him, she is not yet with him. But he sees her, he awaits her, he longs for her.
"Who could bear to live without her?" you hear him whisper.
And who is that bride? Who is this beauty who occupies the heart of Jesus?
It is not nature. He loves his creation and creation groans to be with him, but he never called creation his bride.
It is not his angels. His angels are ever present to worship and serve him, but he never called the heavenly beings his bride.
Then who? Who is this bride about whom Jesus speaks and for whom Jesus longs? Who is this maiden who has captured the heart of God's son?
You are. You have captured the heart of God. "As a man rejoices over his new wife, so your God will rejoice over you." (Isaiah 62:5)
The challenge is to remember that. To meditate on it. To focus on it. To allow his love to change the way you look at you.
Do you ever feel unnoticed? New clothes and styles may help for a while. But if you want permanent change, learn to see yourself as God sees you: "He has covered me with clothes of salvation and wrapped me with a coat of goodness, like a bridegroom dressed for his wedding, like a bride dressed in jewels." (Isaiah 61:10) (taken from When Christ Comes by Max Lucado)

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I just love that.

"Who could bear to live without her?"

That just takes my breath away. To think of my Creator and my Savior longing for me. Me.